I remember imagining myself on a battlefield feeling as
though I had just been shot in the middle of an open field and it was as if
everything played in slow motion. I could see it playing out just like the movies
show it. A soldier gets shot, you start to see him collapse, his knees hit the
ground, everything in his hands drop. A film strip of his life flashes before
his mind’s eye, his wife and children playing, childhood memories, and there
the solider lies where he just surrendered his life. This was how I felt. I
felt like my life just ended but the only difference is I’m still living. So
now what?

I knew with all my heart Annabelle was in the arms of Jesus.
She was whole, free, and perfect. I wanted to feel and know that same
experience and the only place I knew that was to be at the feet of Jesus. At
this point all I wanted was to soak in worship. I craved worship like never
before and I wanted to feel the arms of Jesus as He would wrap me up like a new
born baby would be wrapped up in their mother’s arms. I will never forget my
first time back at church. It was two weeks after we had lost Annabelle, we
were still on staff at the church as Junior High Pastor’s and I didn’t care
about anything else but to get in the sanctuary to worship and my appearance
showed. I walked in wearing workout pants, gym shoes, a t-shirt with a zip up
jacket, hair in a pony tail and hardly any make up on. I didn’t want to face
people, I didn’t want to talk to anyone and the last thing I wanted to do was
to pretend to be okay. I wasn’t there to socialize; I was there for a purpose. This
was by no means easy for me. But I did it. As we walked into the sanctuary to
find our seat the only thing I knew to do was to hold my husband. I held him so
tight during worship. He was that safe and secure place for me just the way I
felt in the arms of Jesus. A few songs in I whispered to my husband “I have to
go kneel at the front of the stage and worship. All I was imaging was that soldier
on the battlefield and Annabelle in the arms of Jesus. So I let go of my
husband and walked down to the front of the stage and knelt down; I lifted my
hands to the point of surrender and began to sing out my praise to Jesus. My
husband joined me and I felt like the room was completely empty and God was
just pouring out his love on us.

I want to share something with you. Even though I have a
husband, kids to love on and a church to go to I still felt very alone when I
was grieving. When grieving you feel no one can understand your pain and it’s
true no one will. No one has the perfect answer or recipe to cook up for you to
make things all better. I remember saying numerous times throughout my grieving
moments how I wished a Fairy God Mother was real. I wanted someone to show up
with a magic wand and make everything better. Well, no fairy god mother showed
up. But, at my point of surrender this was my film strip that played before my
eyes. 

I saw Jesus at the cross as Jesus surrendered His life and
God surrendered His son. This was true surrender. It amazed me to think about
how I felt alone but to know Jesus felt alone at the cross too. In the Bible it
says God turned his face and when Jesus cried out in Mark 15:34 “My God, my God why have you
forsaken me.” Jesus was alone in that moment. Then I thought about how He knows
more than anyone what it feels like to be venerable, real and raw. He was
nailed to a cross for man to see, thorns on his head, nails in his hands and
feet, covered in blood for you and for me. Here I stood in so much pain when to
think how He was exposed to all the sins of the world where there he hung in
ALL pain. In this moment I realized there is no one on the earth that can
possibly know my pain better than the one who bore ALL pain, Jesus. That one
moment of feeling alone quickly left me and there I was in the arms of Jesus.
He knows every detail of what you are going through and when you feel alone
God’s got you right where He wants you to be because He wants you to turn to
Him, the one who felt alone too. The most beautiful moment happened in all of
History the day Jesus was nailed to the cross. Jesus surrendered and God
took action. In other words, The Kingdom
of Heaven
began at Surrender

Check this out here is the most beautiful exchange that took
place! God took Action!

What happened after Jesus gave his last Breath? In Mark 15:38 it says “The curtain of the temple was
torn in two from top to bottom.” What was that curtain? In Exodus 26:33 it tells us that the curtain was made to
separate the Holy Place from
the Most Holy Place. The
curtain was used to separate man from God’s presence. The curtain was too High
to reach and to thick to tear so only God could have carried out such an
incredible feat. This means NOW that the curtain was torn God’s presence was now
accessible to all. God sent his Son Jesus so that we can now have access to
Him. In Hebrews 4:16 it says “We can now boldly enter into God’s presence” and in Hebrews 6:19-20 “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.” So you know what this tells me? When we feel like we
are in bondage or the pain or hurt we are experiencing seems to be unbearable that
is the curtain that wants to hold us back but remember God tore the curtain for
you and me to run to Him so that when we come with pain His presence can heal
us.

This Easter I want to encourage you with something? To come
broken, come with pain, come with thanksgiving and come boldly so that His
presence can heal you? Lastly, I want to share this song with you. One of my
favorite worship bands just release another new album and it seriously could
not have come at a better time. I have played this song over and over again
this week before Easter to remind myself that when something comes up in my
life and I don’t have an answer for it I know I can run to Jesus and surrender
whatever it is in his presence. Take a minute and listen to it and maybe hit
repeat a couple of times. You will defiantly be encouraged.